Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
