Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
