Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Randomize
