go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
