Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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