Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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