1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
