I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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