Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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