its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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