i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
