True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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