So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
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