if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
