We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize