i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
