I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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