I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
