If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
