he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
