If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
