Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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