I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
