I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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