You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
