and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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