i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
This is classic penis vs brain.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
