were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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