i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
