A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
