When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
