Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
When did angry sex become our thing?
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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