I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
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I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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