My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
