I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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