tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
