Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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