I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
