i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
