Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
