When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Randomize
