So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
