Whod you bang
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Still dying that you shit outside
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Randomize
