as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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