if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
