I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize