Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Randomize
