I wish my penis had an off switch
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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