If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
