I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
