The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
there is puke in my bra ... again
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
