I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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