you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
you didnt know i had herpes?
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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