I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
