i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Randomize
