sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
