When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
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